Archive for the Humor Category

Meteor Strike at Dolores Park Decimates Mission Hipster Population

Posted in Humor on February 21, 2008 by kwhobson

A sunny Sunday in Dolores Park turned fatal for a large portion of the Mission District’s Hipster population when a giant, Dolores Park-sized meteor fell from the sky and landed directly atop the park, witnesses said. The meteor reduced the park to a festering crater of twisted fixed-gear bike frames, molten PBR cans and shattered over-sized sunglasses.

The neighborhood is still reeling in the wake of the tragedy. Surviving Hipsters–those who were either waiting to get brunch at Boogaloos, drinking bloody mary’s at the Zeitgeist or simply sleeping off their all-night coke binges at the time of the catastrophe–were understandably shaken by the news.

“My buddys Chase and Diego were at the park that day…” local Hipster Joe John Jacobs noted somberly, wiping his tears with his over-sized neckerchief, “I, I was supposed to meet them but I stopped off at Gestalt for a beer on the way…it really makes you think…on the plus side, Chase told me once I could have all his Lou Reed vinyl if anything ever happened to him…so that’s kinda sweet.”

Tallie Woods, another local Hipster, seemed to display survivor’s guilt when asked about the accident. “I wish I would have been there…dying in a freak meteor strike is totes gonna be the new trend…I was saying it last fall, but everyone just laughed at me. Ha, well who’s laughing now! Gosh I’m so jealous of all my dead friends. How cool are they?”

In lieu of flowers, surviving friends have asked to borrow a fiver to help them all get tickets to go see some Vampire-named band you’ve never heard of that’s like, totally big in New York right now.

Copyright © 2008, Kevin Hobson

Baseball to Add Extra Base so High Schoolers can Finally Distinguish Fingering from Oral.

Posted in Humor on October 11, 2007 by kwhobson

In a stunning revelation sure to rock the worlds of both sports and romance, officials representing Major League Baseball and its lower affiliates have announced that beginning next season, the total number of bases on the field will be increased from four to five.

The drastic rule change, which will have a profound impact on the history and integrity of America’s pastime, was done primarily to “allow gossipy High Schoolers a wider linguistic palate with which to describe the relative successes of their dates,” said Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in a press conference yesterday. “Baseball takes great pride in its long history as a euphemistic device for describing the various stages of copulation–from finally getting to first base with that cute guy from your trig class after three dates already, to getting all the way to third with that slutty punk rock girl during fifth period study hall, baseball is part of the very fabric of young America’s sexual innuendo.”

The move was made to “keep up with the changing times,” Selig said, noting that the increasing number of teens engaging in casual oral sex has pushed the base system of demarcation into a gray area. “Back in my day, there was a clear quadrant system–first base was kissing above the neck, second base was hands under the shirt, above the waist, and third base was a straight up fingerbang…” the liver-spotted commissioner continued, pausing to allow the collective shudder from the gathered reporters to subside. “These days there’s just no consistency. What is third base anyway? A beej? Does that move fingering to second base then? What about good old fashioned nipple tweaking? Where’s the base for nipple tweaking, dammit!?!”

Pausing again to sip a glass of water with a shaky hand, the visibly aroused grandfather of five continued, “the addition of an extra base to the game we all love is the only logical solution. It restores the natural order to things–third base can go back to its rightful definition of hands on genitals, and the new addition of fourth base finally gives fellatio and cunnilingus a place to call their very own.” Selig added “Staying relevant to the youth of America has always been one of Baseball’s most important goals–and we feel secure that this move will influence more and more promiscuous teens to get out there and toss the baseball around the old diamond…er…pentagon, I guess.”

The move has been met with a fair share of skepticism by both the baseball and casual sex communities.

“So, does that mean I play fourth base now?” Superstar ex-third baseman Alex Rodriguez asked, scratching his head. “I mean, I’m excited by the prospect of finally hitting that elusive five-run homerun and turning triple-plays with regularity, but what? Are they gonna add another out too?”

Shortstop Omar Vizquel was a bit more optimistic: “I’m excited about the change–I always felt naked standing out there by myself with no base to call my own. Shortstop–WTF is that anyway? We’re not all short, you know… Plus, chicks dig Third Basemen better anyway.”

Teenagers were equally skeptical. “Wait, so oral is FOURTH base now?” asked Salt Lake City Sophomore Kendra Smith, a 15 year old Mormon. “Cause I like, always thought oral was second base and third was, you know, anal…right? Right guys? I mean…that’s what I HEARD at least…”

No word yet on responses from the other leaders of the sexual innuendo community: The Professional Union of Salad Makers and Tossers, The City of Cleveland Steam Cleaners Association, or The Federation of Glass-Bottom Boat Operators.

Copyright © 2007, Kevin Hobson

Psspsst! Literary Gossip!

Posted in Humor, Non-Fiction on July 17, 2007 by kwhobson

OMG you guys, like, SUCH the drama the other night!! Stephen Elliott TOTALLY threw a beer all over Howard Junker!! I know, FOR REALSIES!!

So I was at this Literary Death Match thingy? With Amick, Gravity and Marisa? They, like, have writers read in a competition against each other, with like judges and stuff. It’s like AMERICAN IDOL but for book nerds, right? Howard Junker, who’s like this crotchety old dude who edits this magazine ZYZZYVA, was one of the judges–it was him and Beth Lisick who was all “I’m Cute!” and this other guy Jon Wolanske who was all “I’m Funny and Stuff! Lobsters!” and then Howard Junker was all “Grr I’m old and serious an no-one likes me but everyone respects me or something…”

So it started with Stephen Elliott, who wrote this book “Happy Baby” that’s like kinda famous or something, reading first, and he was like “I’m Stepehen Elliott, I write about wanting to have sex and having sex and not having sex and stuff!” and we were all like “ROTFLOLZ.” Then Joyce Maynard read and she was all like “I fucked JD Salinger bitches!! I’m the most famoustest person here!! In this story, I’m a middle age housewife and I wrote letters to a guy in prison who was crazy, please no one mention some other middle age housewife just wrote a book with this exact same plot…” and we were all like “zzzzzzzzzzzz, tell us about JD Salinger!!”

So then the reading part was over and the judging part started and they were all like “Howard Junker, you’re judging on literary merit” and Junker was all “Stephen’s piece made me laugh, but his work has NO LITERARY MERIT.” And we were all like “OH NO HE DI’INT!!” FUR REALZ Then he was all “Joyce’s piece tugged at my heartstrings and I enjoyed it very much, gee your ass tastes great Joyce!!” and we were like “gag me with a spoon already.” So they decided that the Joyce was the winner of that round, (big surprise) and then they were gonna have another round after a break so everyone went to the bar to get drinks and Howard Junker was all “hum dee dum, I’d like some pretentious sounding drink in a snifter or something…” and the Stephen Elliott came up behind him and was all “Hey Junker!” and Howard was like “Huh?” And Stephen was like “How’s this for literary merit!?!?” and SPLASH!! Beer all over his shirt!! Okay so maybe he didn’t say the “how’s this for literary merit” line, but isn’t it better if he does? I think so.

We were standing right behind them and I totally caught the Howard Junker shaped beer-spray all over me. It’s like my claim to fame now! Woot!! So Howard was all “Ga!” and Stephen just looked at him like “now we’ve BOTH been humiliated, huh?” and it was actually kinda sad casue you could tell Stephen really got his feelings hurt, I mean, no one’s gonna argue Stephen’s work has the literary merit of like Dostoevsky or anyting, but c’mon, you don’t say something like that in front of a big group of people…unless you’re Howard Junker I guess…

So Howard was like “screw this I’m outta here” and everyone else was like “OMG OMG OMG” and then they started up the second round and the guy was like “Howard had to leave, we had a little ‘incident,’ no, no-one got stabbed, Eddie Vedder didin’t come in with a lightsaber and kick ass, just a little ‘beer slipping out of the hand action’ (yeah right) so let’s keep going with a new replacement judge…” and then the other two readers read and Michelle Richmond was like “thanks Stephen, Howard Junker scares me” and the new replacement judge was like “both of these works were DRIPPING with literary merit” and we were like “DRIPPING!! That is teh funnyz LOLZ!”

Then some other stuff happened and they played “poke a hole in Nebraska” which is like “pin the tail on the donkey” but with a US map and a pencil instead of a donkey and a tail and then Sam Hurwitt who read and was all “I like comic books but Socrates was just a Bullshit artist” was all “whoo-hoo I poked a hole through Nebraska, gimmie my crown bitches!!”

And we were like OMG can we go already? We’re sticky and we smell like Stephen Elliott’s beer and Howard Junker’s old man sweat…

…ewww that’s butt.

But srsly guys, Stephen Elliott is SO not getting invited to Howard Junker’s next pajama party. Maybe Dave Eggers can like talk to Howard and be all like “Stephen says he’s sorry but dude why are you such a dick?” and then Howard can be all like “Your book was an Assbreaking Pile of Staggeringly Smelly Dog Poo.” And then Dave can be all “Oh its ON NOW!!” and McSweeney’s and ZYZZYVA will be all like the Jets and the Sharks and there could be more and more beer throwing until finally they agree to have a climactic dance off at City Lights bookstore or something…

That would be teh coolz.

Copyright © 2007, Kevin Hobson.