Meteor Strike at Dolores Park Decimates Mission Hipster Population

A sunny Sunday in Dolores Park turned fatal for a large portion of the Mission District’s Hipster population when a giant, Dolores Park-sized meteor fell from the sky and landed directly atop the park, witnesses said. The meteor reduced the park to a festering crater of twisted fixed-gear bike frames, molten PBR cans and shattered over-sized sunglasses.

The neighborhood is still reeling in the wake of the tragedy. Surviving Hipsters–those who were either waiting to get brunch at Boogaloos, drinking bloody mary’s at the Zeitgeist or simply sleeping off their all-night coke binges at the time of the catastrophe–were understandably shaken by the news.

“My buddys Chase and Diego were at the park that day…” local Hipster Joe John Jacobs noted somberly, wiping his tears with his over-sized neckerchief, “I, I was supposed to meet them but I stopped off at Gestalt for a beer on the way…it really makes you think…on the plus side, Chase told me once I could have all his Lou Reed vinyl if anything ever happened to him…so that’s kinda sweet.”

Tallie Woods, another local Hipster, seemed to display survivor’s guilt when asked about the accident. “I wish I would have been there…dying in a freak meteor strike is totes gonna be the new trend…I was saying it last fall, but everyone just laughed at me. Ha, well who’s laughing now! Gosh I’m so jealous of all my dead friends. How cool are they?”

In lieu of flowers, surviving friends have asked to borrow a fiver to help them all get tickets to go see some Vampire-named band you’ve never heard of that’s like, totally big in New York right now.

Copyright © 2008, Kevin Hobson


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