Baseball to Add Extra Base so High Schoolers can Finally Distinguish Fingering from Oral.

In a stunning revelation sure to rock the worlds of both sports and romance, officials representing Major League Baseball and its lower affiliates have announced that beginning next season, the total number of bases on the field will be increased from four to five.

The drastic rule change, which will have a profound impact on the history and integrity of America’s pastime, was done primarily to “allow gossipy High Schoolers a wider linguistic palate with which to describe the relative successes of their dates,” said Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in a press conference yesterday. “Baseball takes great pride in its long history as a euphemistic device for describing the various stages of copulation–from finally getting to first base with that cute guy from your trig class after three dates already, to getting all the way to third with that slutty punk rock girl during fifth period study hall, baseball is part of the very fabric of young America’s sexual innuendo.”

The move was made to “keep up with the changing times,” Selig said, noting that the increasing number of teens engaging in casual oral sex has pushed the base system of demarcation into a gray area. “Back in my day, there was a clear quadrant system–first base was kissing above the neck, second base was hands under the shirt, above the waist, and third base was a straight up fingerbang…” the liver-spotted commissioner continued, pausing to allow the collective shudder from the gathered reporters to subside. “These days there’s just no consistency. What is third base anyway? A beej? Does that move fingering to second base then? What about good old fashioned nipple tweaking? Where’s the base for nipple tweaking, dammit!?!”

Pausing again to sip a glass of water with a shaky hand, the visibly aroused grandfather of five continued, “the addition of an extra base to the game we all love is the only logical solution. It restores the natural order to things–third base can go back to its rightful definition of hands on genitals, and the new addition of fourth base finally gives fellatio and cunnilingus a place to call their very own.” Selig added “Staying relevant to the youth of America has always been one of Baseball’s most important goals–and we feel secure that this move will influence more and more promiscuous teens to get out there and toss the baseball around the old diamond…er…pentagon, I guess.”

The move has been met with a fair share of skepticism by both the baseball and casual sex communities.

“So, does that mean I play fourth base now?” Superstar ex-third baseman Alex Rodriguez asked, scratching his head. “I mean, I’m excited by the prospect of finally hitting that elusive five-run homerun and turning triple-plays with regularity, but what? Are they gonna add another out too?”

Shortstop Omar Vizquel was a bit more optimistic: “I’m excited about the change–I always felt naked standing out there by myself with no base to call my own. Shortstop–WTF is that anyway? We’re not all short, you know… Plus, chicks dig Third Basemen better anyway.”

Teenagers were equally skeptical. “Wait, so oral is FOURTH base now?” asked Salt Lake City Sophomore Kendra Smith, a 15 year old Mormon. “Cause I like, always thought oral was second base and third was, you know, anal…right? Right guys? I mean…that’s what I HEARD at least…”

No word yet on responses from the other leaders of the sexual innuendo community: The Professional Union of Salad Makers and Tossers, The City of Cleveland Steam Cleaners Association, or The Federation of Glass-Bottom Boat Operators.

Copyright © 2007, Kevin Hobson

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