Psspsst! Literary Gossip!

OMG you guys, like, SUCH the drama the other night!! Stephen Elliott TOTALLY threw a beer all over Howard Junker!! I know, FOR REALSIES!!

So I was at this Literary Death Match thingy? With Amick, Gravity and Marisa? They, like, have writers read in a competition against each other, with like judges and stuff. It’s like AMERICAN IDOL but for book nerds, right? Howard Junker, who’s like this crotchety old dude who edits this magazine ZYZZYVA, was one of the judges–it was him and Beth Lisick who was all “I’m Cute!” and this other guy Jon Wolanske who was all “I’m Funny and Stuff! Lobsters!” and then Howard Junker was all “Grr I’m old and serious an no-one likes me but everyone respects me or something…”

So it started with Stephen Elliott, who wrote this book “Happy Baby” that’s like kinda famous or something, reading first, and he was like “I’m Stepehen Elliott, I write about wanting to have sex and having sex and not having sex and stuff!” and we were all like “ROTFLOLZ.” Then Joyce Maynard read and she was all like “I fucked JD Salinger bitches!! I’m the most famoustest person here!! In this story, I’m a middle age housewife and I wrote letters to a guy in prison who was crazy, please no one mention some other middle age housewife just wrote a book with this exact same plot…” and we were all like “zzzzzzzzzzzz, tell us about JD Salinger!!”

So then the reading part was over and the judging part started and they were all like “Howard Junker, you’re judging on literary merit” and Junker was all “Stephen’s piece made me laugh, but his work has NO LITERARY MERIT.” And we were all like “OH NO HE DI’INT!!” FUR REALZ Then he was all “Joyce’s piece tugged at my heartstrings and I enjoyed it very much, gee your ass tastes great Joyce!!” and we were like “gag me with a spoon already.” So they decided that the Joyce was the winner of that round, (big surprise) and then they were gonna have another round after a break so everyone went to the bar to get drinks and Howard Junker was all “hum dee dum, I’d like some pretentious sounding drink in a snifter or something…” and the Stephen Elliott came up behind him and was all “Hey Junker!” and Howard was like “Huh?” And Stephen was like “How’s this for literary merit!?!?” and SPLASH!! Beer all over his shirt!! Okay so maybe he didn’t say the “how’s this for literary merit” line, but isn’t it better if he does? I think so.

We were standing right behind them and I totally caught the Howard Junker shaped beer-spray all over me. It’s like my claim to fame now! Woot!! So Howard was all “Ga!” and Stephen just looked at him like “now we’ve BOTH been humiliated, huh?” and it was actually kinda sad casue you could tell Stephen really got his feelings hurt, I mean, no one’s gonna argue Stephen’s work has the literary merit of like Dostoevsky or anyting, but c’mon, you don’t say something like that in front of a big group of people…unless you’re Howard Junker I guess…

So Howard was like “screw this I’m outta here” and everyone else was like “OMG OMG OMG” and then they started up the second round and the guy was like “Howard had to leave, we had a little ‘incident,’ no, no-one got stabbed, Eddie Vedder didin’t come in with a lightsaber and kick ass, just a little ‘beer slipping out of the hand action’ (yeah right) so let’s keep going with a new replacement judge…” and then the other two readers read and Michelle Richmond was like “thanks Stephen, Howard Junker scares me” and the new replacement judge was like “both of these works were DRIPPING with literary merit” and we were like “DRIPPING!! That is teh funnyz LOLZ!”

Then some other stuff happened and they played “poke a hole in Nebraska” which is like “pin the tail on the donkey” but with a US map and a pencil instead of a donkey and a tail and then Sam Hurwitt who read and was all “I like comic books but Socrates was just a Bullshit artist” was all “whoo-hoo I poked a hole through Nebraska, gimmie my crown bitches!!”

And we were like OMG can we go already? We’re sticky and we smell like Stephen Elliott’s beer and Howard Junker’s old man sweat…

…ewww that’s butt.

But srsly guys, Stephen Elliott is SO not getting invited to Howard Junker’s next pajama party. Maybe Dave Eggers can like talk to Howard and be all like “Stephen says he’s sorry but dude why are you such a dick?” and then Howard can be all like “Your book was an Assbreaking Pile of Staggeringly Smelly Dog Poo.” And then Dave can be all “Oh its ON NOW!!” and McSweeney’s and ZYZZYVA will be all like the Jets and the Sharks and there could be more and more beer throwing until finally they agree to have a climactic dance off at City Lights bookstore or something…

That would be teh coolz.

Copyright © 2007, Kevin Hobson.

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